How do you save the drowning man
who insists on swimming with stones in his pocket?
You would not, says the vulture, for he wants to die.
You cannot, says the ox, for he has grown too weary.
You should not, says the sheep, for he is an ungrateful bastard.
You ought not, says the serpent, for he will bring you down with him.
You will not, says the ass, for he has made his mind up.
You must not, says the peacock, for he is too proud to thank you.
How do you save the drowning man
who insists on swimming with stones in his pocket?
How do you stem the flowing river
to save the drowning man
who insists on swimming with stones in his pocket?
How do you build the dam
to stem the flowing river
to save the drowning man
who insists on swimming with stones in his pocket?
How do you, how do you save the drowning man
the drowning man who has stones in his pocket?
Who insists on swimming with them in his pocket?
You do not, says the owl, for he is a drowning man with stones in his pocket.
[N.B. I wrote this. Steal it and I kill you.]
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Don't be ashamed o'yo pony-tail, guuurl. You work it, you own that pony-tail.
Confucius say:
Easy to bitch about might of mountain when you still sitting on fat ass at bottom.
I'm lying, Confucius didn't fucking say that but he would have if he was alive now.
Easy to bitch about might of mountain when you still sitting on fat ass at bottom.
I'm lying, Confucius didn't fucking say that but he would have if he was alive now.
Troglodyte
A cave dweller, especially somebody who belonged to a prehistoric cave-dwelling community.
A solitary person who lives alone, especially somebody who is antisocial or unconventional.
Still bored? Cos I could do with a chat.
A solitary person who lives alone, especially somebody who is antisocial or unconventional.
Still bored? Cos I could do with a chat.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Sometimes, you're the bad sheep.
I am finding that more and more, I am the bad sheep. What is it that I do, exactly? I don't do anything. Why? I don't know. I want to be Jane Grais. That is what I want. She is not Lady Gaga or Lily Allen. She is not Elton John or Harry Connick Jnr, but she is just as amazing. She is not Bettie Page or Sofia Vegara but she is just as beautiful and full of life. I know that she is inside of me, I can feel her. I need a catalyst so that my real self can come back. I hope I find me again and then I can stop being so whiny on the internet and start being amazing again.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
The truth is
I don't know how to tell you this but Frankenstein was the name of the doctor, not the monster. *shrugs* You didn't create me, you created yourself.
Just give up. On life. Just give up on life.
Listen to this...
WHEATMEAL PORRIDGE
INGREDIENTS
1 cup wheatmeal
1-1/2 half teaspoon salt
3 cups water
METHOD
1. Soak the wheatmeal in water overnight.
2. Place in a saucepan with salt and stir over moderate heat until it boils.
3. Allow to simmer for about half an hour. Stir occasionally.
4. Serve with milk and sugar.
Yeah, you could do that OR alternatively you could put some milk in a bowl of weet-bix and let it sit for a minute in the microwave.
Oh shit, I'm a food blog.
WHEATMEAL PORRIDGE
INGREDIENTS
1 cup wheatmeal
1-1/2 half teaspoon salt
3 cups water
METHOD
1. Soak the wheatmeal in water overnight.
2. Place in a saucepan with salt and stir over moderate heat until it boils.
3. Allow to simmer for about half an hour. Stir occasionally.
4. Serve with milk and sugar.
Yeah, you could do that OR alternatively you could put some milk in a bowl of weet-bix and let it sit for a minute in the microwave.
Oh shit, I'm a food blog.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I started writing again today.
They say I could go far,
That I could be a megastar.
I want to be on Oprah,
I want to win an Oscar.
I'm gonna marry Kanye.
Wear nothing but lingerie.
Everybody's going to love it
And if they don't well they can shove it
'cause I'm fantastic.
Look what you've done,
Look what you've done,
Look at what you've done to me.
You took the fun
You took the fun
You took the fun out of everything.
You can take all my dreams
and you can make them reality
But that doesn't mean, that doesn't mean you haven't ruined me.
I'm gonna be like Winona,
I'll be a method actor
Better find me a lawyer
Let me out for good behaviour
Spend all my money on cocaine
Live on a diet of champagne
I'm gonna go to rehab
Take my picture in the taxicab
'cause I'm fantastic.
ETC
It's not finished, nor is it polished. I don't think I even like the chorus either.
That I could be a megastar.
I want to be on Oprah,
I want to win an Oscar.
I'm gonna marry Kanye.
Wear nothing but lingerie.
Everybody's going to love it
And if they don't well they can shove it
'cause I'm fantastic.
Look what you've done,
Look what you've done,
Look at what you've done to me.
You took the fun
You took the fun
You took the fun out of everything.
You can take all my dreams
and you can make them reality
But that doesn't mean, that doesn't mean you haven't ruined me.
I'm gonna be like Winona,
I'll be a method actor
Better find me a lawyer
Let me out for good behaviour
Spend all my money on cocaine
Live on a diet of champagne
I'm gonna go to rehab
Take my picture in the taxicab
'cause I'm fantastic.
ETC
It's not finished, nor is it polished. I don't think I even like the chorus either.
What to do with the leftover lanterns?
My room is THE place to have sex right now.
If you're the type of person who is able to have sex. And right now.
With someone who consents.
The Fucking Army of Fucking Cupcakes.
So in a nutshell, roughly 75% of my state ended up underwater and I responded by making an army of cupcakes.
At the risk of sounding like a food blog, they were amazing. Not many people know this about me, but I am a very, very good cook and I have recently had fantasies about being the next Nigella. Hopefully without the GIGANTIC arse. I'm kidding. I actually am. I said that because I am absolutely jealous of her brilliant sexuality.
I'd give you the recipe but I'm not nice enough to share my secrets with you. Ok, ok, fine. Lemon zest. I used lemon zest.
...um... who wants one of my cupcakes?
Hello.
There's something comforting about not being an asshole. I don't know how you survive. I'm going to bitch about Tumblr now.
I am on Tumblr and I am a prolific poster but I am a little weary of how many shit blogs there are with nothing other than shit photos and shit grammar. I am certain that my grammar is rubbish also but at least I know that mine is terrible and I aim to correct it as best I can before publishing. Honestly, 'nar' is not a word and when you say "omg bebz i love all you're photo's," what you are really saying is "oh my God not-a-real-word, I love all you are photo is." I believe that in most English speaking nations, it is compulsory to be educated to a certain point. Have you not been educated? You should a) have your parents sue the government for not properly educating you or b) have the government sue your parents for not having you properly educated.
'Grammar' may be a dirty word but so is 'fucking' and yet an awful lot of people still seem to use it.
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that contrary to popular belief, 'youse' is unfortunately a bona fide word so please stop posting about how much you hate people using this non-existent word. Definitely is also definitely spelt definitely, not definately. I checked.
Twice.
Tumblr may be easier to use and to blog with but I don't think I have ever hated an entire group of people, few of whom I know well, as much as I do right now. I try not to be too judgemental but everyone is annoying and this is something you come to realise when you grow older. I just happened to learn it before I grew into a sixty-five year old British man as opposed to after.
Because I am growing into a sixty-five year old British man.
One could argue that the Internet is not a great place to meet new, exciting people as it tends to be the meeting place of many with a penchant for blatantly lying about themselves to impress The World. What I would say in reply to this is "yes, One, but why would ANYBODY want to project an image of themselves that likens them to a whining, illiterate, brattish two year old with a fetish for wafer thin models and tattooed homosexuality?" I don't care if you think homosexuality is hot. No one should be that excited about gay people. When they've fought so long and so hard to be treated equally in society, I personally find it a little backwards for heterosexuals to celebrate the hot gayness of a photo of people you don't know. Who. Gives. A. Shit. Harvey Milk did not become Harvey Milk so you could crap on about how hot someone's sexuality is. I have a brother who is gay. He's not actually my brother but he is actually gay. Point is, I don't care about his hot gayness. He's a human being and I love him like a brother. Oh yes, I went there. I started talking about gay people in a manner that did not defend or attack them. You should hear me talk about religion, I'm fantastic.
Over the holidays I started a few fascinating projects such as learning how to write like an Indie twat and also learning how to sell shoes to middle-aged women. I have been working in a shoe shop for middle aged women and ironically, most of the staff are under the age of twenty-six.
I'm very good at selling shoes. I can lie through my teeth about how this absolutely gorgeous pair of Hush Puppies nursing shoes have been literally walking out the door. You would not believe how many young, fashionable ladies have come in wanting to purchase these shoes but because they are all in university, they could not afford them. See, you've got your credit card out, haven't you. Or should that be 'c babe, uve got u're daddie's plastic out, hav'ent u lawl?'
I do not understand why girls who are complete strangers refer to each other as 'babe'. It makes me roll my eyes. It screams "I am flattering you so now you must swear loyalty to me."
In other news, I have a giant fucking pimple in the middle of my forehead and I wish it would grow larger, explode, heal and go away.
I am on Tumblr and I am a prolific poster but I am a little weary of how many shit blogs there are with nothing other than shit photos and shit grammar. I am certain that my grammar is rubbish also but at least I know that mine is terrible and I aim to correct it as best I can before publishing. Honestly, 'nar' is not a word and when you say "omg bebz i love all you're photo's," what you are really saying is "oh my God not-a-real-word, I love all you are photo is." I believe that in most English speaking nations, it is compulsory to be educated to a certain point. Have you not been educated? You should a) have your parents sue the government for not properly educating you or b) have the government sue your parents for not having you properly educated.
'Grammar' may be a dirty word but so is 'fucking' and yet an awful lot of people still seem to use it.
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that contrary to popular belief, 'youse' is unfortunately a bona fide word so please stop posting about how much you hate people using this non-existent word. Definitely is also definitely spelt definitely, not definately. I checked.
Twice.
Tumblr may be easier to use and to blog with but I don't think I have ever hated an entire group of people, few of whom I know well, as much as I do right now. I try not to be too judgemental but everyone is annoying and this is something you come to realise when you grow older. I just happened to learn it before I grew into a sixty-five year old British man as opposed to after.
Because I am growing into a sixty-five year old British man.
One could argue that the Internet is not a great place to meet new, exciting people as it tends to be the meeting place of many with a penchant for blatantly lying about themselves to impress The World. What I would say in reply to this is "yes, One, but why would ANYBODY want to project an image of themselves that likens them to a whining, illiterate, brattish two year old with a fetish for wafer thin models and tattooed homosexuality?" I don't care if you think homosexuality is hot. No one should be that excited about gay people. When they've fought so long and so hard to be treated equally in society, I personally find it a little backwards for heterosexuals to celebrate the hot gayness of a photo of people you don't know. Who. Gives. A. Shit. Harvey Milk did not become Harvey Milk so you could crap on about how hot someone's sexuality is. I have a brother who is gay. He's not actually my brother but he is actually gay. Point is, I don't care about his hot gayness. He's a human being and I love him like a brother. Oh yes, I went there. I started talking about gay people in a manner that did not defend or attack them. You should hear me talk about religion, I'm fantastic.
Over the holidays I started a few fascinating projects such as learning how to write like an Indie twat and also learning how to sell shoes to middle-aged women. I have been working in a shoe shop for middle aged women and ironically, most of the staff are under the age of twenty-six.
I'm very good at selling shoes. I can lie through my teeth about how this absolutely gorgeous pair of Hush Puppies nursing shoes have been literally walking out the door. You would not believe how many young, fashionable ladies have come in wanting to purchase these shoes but because they are all in university, they could not afford them. See, you've got your credit card out, haven't you. Or should that be 'c babe, uve got u're daddie's plastic out, hav'ent u lawl?'
I do not understand why girls who are complete strangers refer to each other as 'babe'. It makes me roll my eyes. It screams "I am flattering you so now you must swear loyalty to me."
In other news, I have a giant fucking pimple in the middle of my forehead and I wish it would grow larger, explode, heal and go away.
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