Hello.

There's something comforting about not being an asshole. I don't know how you survive. I'm going to bitch about Tumblr now.

I am on Tumblr and I am a prolific poster but I am a little weary of how many shit blogs there are with nothing other than shit photos and shit grammar. I am certain that my grammar is rubbish also but at least I know that mine is terrible and I aim to correct it as best I can before publishing. Honestly, 'nar' is not a word and when you say "omg bebz i love all you're photo's," what you are really saying is "oh my God not-a-real-word, I love all you are photo is." I believe that in most English speaking nations, it is compulsory to be educated to a certain point. Have you not been educated? You should a) have your parents sue the government for not properly educating you or b) have the government sue your parents for not having you properly educated.

'Grammar' may be a dirty word but so is 'fucking' and yet an awful lot of people still seem to use it.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that contrary to popular belief, 'youse' is unfortunately a bona fide word so please stop posting about how much you hate people using this non-existent word. Definitely is also definitely spelt definitely, not definately. I checked.

Twice.

Tumblr may be easier to use and to blog with but I don't think I have ever hated an entire group of people, few of whom I know well, as much as I do right now. I try not to be too judgemental but everyone is annoying and this is something you come to realise when you grow older. I just happened to learn it before I grew into a sixty-five year old British man as opposed to after.

Because I am growing into a sixty-five year old British man.

One could argue that the Internet is not a great place to meet new, exciting people as it tends to be the meeting place of many with a penchant for blatantly lying about themselves to impress The World. What I would say in reply to this is "yes, One, but why would ANYBODY want to project an image of themselves that likens them to a whining, illiterate, brattish two year old with a fetish for wafer thin models and tattooed homosexuality?" I don't care if you think homosexuality is hot. No one should be that excited about gay people. When they've fought so long and so hard to be treated equally in society, I personally find it a little backwards for heterosexuals to celebrate the hot gayness of a photo of people you don't know. Who. Gives. A. Shit. Harvey Milk did not become Harvey Milk so you could crap on about how hot someone's sexuality is. I have a brother who is gay. He's not actually my brother but he is actually gay. Point is, I don't care about his hot gayness. He's a human being and I love him like a brother. Oh yes, I went there. I started talking about gay people in a manner that did not defend or attack them. You should hear me talk about religion, I'm fantastic.

Over the holidays I started a few fascinating projects such as learning how to write like an Indie twat and also learning how to sell shoes to middle-aged women. I have been working in a shoe shop for middle aged women and ironically, most of the staff are under the age of twenty-six.

I'm very good at selling shoes. I can lie through my teeth about how this absolutely gorgeous pair of Hush Puppies nursing shoes have been literally walking out the door. You would not believe how many young, fashionable ladies have come in wanting to purchase these shoes but because they are all in university, they could not afford them. See, you've got your credit card out, haven't you. Or should that be 'c babe, uve got u're daddie's plastic out, hav'ent u lawl?'

I do not understand why girls who are complete strangers refer to each other as 'babe'. It makes me roll my eyes. It screams "I am flattering you so now you must swear loyalty to me."

In other news, I have a giant fucking pimple in the middle of my forehead and I wish it would grow larger, explode, heal and go away.